Pick a topic.
Either a real challenge you want to talk through, or something light to get used to the style first. To start, you might ask: "What's been on your mind lately?" or "What's something you're looking forward to?" When you're done, invite the other person to switch roles with you.
C
Conscious Observation
Watch as much as you listen. Catch the cue that doesn't match the words.
- Notice: a tight voice, a shrug, eyes filling, a forced "I'm fine."
- Try saying: "Tell me what's going on." · "I want to understand this. Take your time."
A
Active Reflection
Say back what you heard. Then keep asking for more.
- Try saying: "So what I'm hearing is…" · "It sounds like ___ mattered to you." · "Is there more?" · "Tell me more about that."
- Keep going until they say "No, that's it."
R
Respect & Validation
Name the feeling underneath, in one or two words.
- Feelings, not thoughts: hurt, scared, exhausted, relieved, lonely, angry.
- Try saying: "That sounds exhausting." · "It seems like you're feeling ___. Is that right?"
E
Enroll in a Shared Vision
Only now, and only if they're open to it, look for a way forward together.
- Try saying: "Would it help to think through what's next, or did you just need me to hear this?" · "What would a good outcome look like for you?"
You don't win a conversation by being right. You win it when both parties feel heard.